I Hate Edward Cullen

Twilight. A modern day phenomenon. 17 million books sold (1.3 million in one day). The movie has grossed 76.9 million (these numbers might be out of date, so don't shoot me if they're wrong). I've watched the movie, and read the books (after heavy coaxing from my wife) and the most predominant thought in my head is...

I HATE EDWARD CULLEN.

Why? Well, the answer is rather simple. He's too damn perfect!

Let's go through a checklist of his revolting activities:

Unbearably handsome
Extremely Smart
Ridiculously Rich
Cool, mysterious demeanor
Awesome super-power (mind reading)
Super strength and speed
Ultra Romantic
Immortal

These are just off the top of my head, I know there's more. Now let's compare that to what I offer:

Unbearably handsome---Sorta fat
Extremely Smart---No college degree
Ridiculously Rich---Ridiculously Poor
Cool, mysterious demeanor---Clumsy, goofball demeanor
Awesome super-power (mind reading)---Awesome super-power (inhaling a cheeseburger)
Super strength and speed---Legendary weakness and laziness
Ultra Romantic---can barely spell romantic
Immortal---Just plain old

How can I compete with this? Thankfully I'm married, because if I wasn't I would have a hell of a time trying to get a date with someone who has read the book or seen the movie. I already get the feeling that my wife doesn't look at me the same, she sighs every time she looks at me. And my daughters scold me for not being super rich and strong.

My fellow men, we have two options to fight this battle. We can either:

A) Everyone start dressing, acting, and doing our hair like Edward Cullen

or

B) Try to spread the word and come up with a battle plan to discourage women to trying to make us or comparing us like him! Band together my brothers! Let's let the women know that human men are still good for them!

P.S. I would like to apologize to Stephanie Meyer. I do like the books (except Edward Cullen) and I think that the Twilight series is a very good read. But please, PLEASE don't make any more perfect Edward books! You should write about Jasper or Emmett, cuz they don't get enough love, and they're the baddest Cullen boys! Show them kicking some vampire arse!